Characteristics of a Grace-Filled Family [ARICLE REPRINT]

Out-loud affirming(vs. out-loud shaming). In grace-filled families, members are told they are loved and accepted, capable, valuable, and supported out loud.. Don't expect people to be mind readers: It is not realistic to think that they "just know" that you care.

People-oriented(vs. performance-oriented). We all need and environment where we feel our needs are met because of who we are and not because of what we do. In grace-filled families, love and acceptance does not fluctuate depending upon how people act. People are affirmed for being who they are. In shame-based families, behavior is the most important thing. Who you are comes last.

Out-loud rules and expectations(vs. unspoken rules). In a grace-filled family, rules are there to serve people; people are not there to serve the rules. In shame-based families, the person who says there is a problem becomes the problem. In a grace-filled family the truth spoken or revealed is never the problem, nor is the person who speaks it. The problem is dealt with as a real problem, and a solution is sought.

Communication is clear and straight(vs. coding). If you want someone to take out the garbage, ask them to do so. Don't say,"Sure would be nice if someone would take out the garbage," and then complain when people ignore or miss your coded message. If you'd rather have hamburgers than hotdogs, say so. Don't say,"I don't care, we can have whatever you want," and then pout when you end up with hotdogs.

God is the source(vs. idolatry). As Christians, God is our Source. He is our need-meeter, our vindicator, our defender, the one who has the last word on our value and acceptance. We are not valuable and acceptable because of how much money we make, the clothes we wear, our church attendance, or because we have been faithful in our giving. In supportive relationships, members are pointed towards God's grace, not toward their performance or how things look or what people think. God is always our
only source of hope.

Children are enjoyed(vs. giving kids a hard time). In shame-based families, children must act like little adults in order to keep from being shamed. In grace-filled families, it's okay for them to act like kids. Normal, healthy kids are "messy" about this business of growing-up. As a parent, you do not need to be threatened or take it personally when your children mess-up.

Responsibility and accountability(vs. fault and blame). Fault and blame are used in shame-based families to punish children for their lack of performance. But the bible tells us "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us" (1 John 1:9). In many families, confessing to something gets you shamed, blamed, exposed, and humiliated. Not so in families where grace is in place.

"Head skills" are used for learning(vs. "head skills" used for defending). In grace-filled families, thinking is used for the purpose of learning. In shame-based families it is used to defend, blame, to make excuses, and to get out of being responsible. In shame-based families, the question,"Why did you do that?" is a trap. In grace-filled families people are pre-approved, and the question "Why did you do that?" is just a simple inquiry to understand the reason why something was done.

Feelings are valid and useful(vs. weak on "heart skills"). Feelings are not right
or wrong, they simply exist. Grace-filled families recognize the feeling and expression of emotions as opportunities for family members to connect with one another.

It's okay for outsides to match insides(vs. empty people learning to act filled). In grace-filled families, what is real is more important than how things look. Life is seen with a process perspective rather than an event perspective. Unacceptable behaviors are about poor choices, not about our value and acceptance as people.